News Jog 8/27/07

Breaking News as the Jog goes to press: US Attorney General Gonzales Resigns!
The Jog has much to say about this dude- but we'll let events play out today and explain what the hell is really going on tomorrow,

Is Fidel Castro dead? He hasn't been seen in a good long time and the anti-Castro Cubans are celebrating his passing on the streets of Miami... again. The problem is that these folks have celebrated on the five yard line a few times before- only to find out that the bearded wonder was still alive. But let the Jog be so bold as to say this feels a bit different. In the world of communistic/fascististic/workers' paradises the birthday of the supreme leader is a big, big deal worthy of much celebration. Yet Fidel's 81st slipped by without so much as an appearance of the murderous lover of cigars anywhere. Not even a picture of the 'healthy' leader reading his beloved morning paper in bed. This smells like the real-deal at the jog and we will be the first to put our credibility on the line and say we think Fidel Castro is dead. Even if we're wrong for the moment- you can bet he'll be pushing up daisies within months. Count on it. The reason we feel so sure about our position are the remarks made toward the end of this article. Notice that Hugo Chavez talks more about the 'spirit' of Fidel Castro still being alive than he does about the man himself. It's a notion- but we think he's dead. And we suspect Gloris Estefan believes that too.

Stepping away from the political but staying within the realm of death- it appears that actor Owen Wilson attempted suicide and is now in the hospital. Reports of slashed wrists and empty pill bottles are making the rounds and not being denied by family members. Why is it that monsters like Castro cling to life forever while talents like Wilson are impatient for death? Is life really that long? Just relax, depressed people- death will come soon enough.

Republican Senator John Warner is calling the Iraqi Maliki government a failure. For his part, Prime Minister Maliki is calling Hillary Clinton and other critics a bunch of names.

West Nile Update- More old people die.

Bird Flu Update- Germany slaughters 160,000 birds. Mike Vick looks on with envy.

Speaking of Michael Vick: The Atlanta Falcons are on MNF tonight and surprise, surprise: Ad Firms Doubting Future of NFL Star

Meanwhile, rapper/actor/criminal DMX is in trouble for pit bulls in poor health found on his property- sound familiar?

Greece is still on fire. If they don't get a handle on this soon the Jog will never be able to see all those great ancient sites that we probably never would gotten around to visiting anyway.

The Democrats are about to render their Florida presidential primary null and void.

Let's hear it for George Hotz. The 17 year old is the first hacker to 'unlock' the iPhone and uploaded a video to YouTube to prove it. Now he's being interviewed by all the big media players. The Jog was going to make one of those jokes about how he's a nerd that should have spent his summer chasing skirts rather than trying to hack the iPhone. But hey, you know what? This country has enough teenage pussy hounds. We need more kids like this. But if we find out he's into Dungeons and Dragons all bets are off.

The Jog doesn't expect much from the TV evangelists who litter the cable and satellite dial with their nonsense. But we do expect that a TV evangelist known for a ministry that specializes in marriage counseling won't be busted for beating his wife up in a parking lot. But it happened and here are some pics of his smacked up co-minister.

That astronaut famous for her use of adult diapers and pepper-spray says she's sorry.

There's a full Lunar Eclipse tonight- but you probably won't see it.

Ever wanted to open the door of an airplane while in flight? Sure you have.

One person and one person only won the $314 million Powerball Jackpot on Saturday. The Jog never plays the lottery. Just like you, we didn't win. But unlike you, we knew that before the power balls were drawn.

Prince Charles' current wife and former lover Camilla has decided not to attend the tenth year anniversary death-memorial for the late Princess Diana. Why would anyone attend a memorial for a person as worthless as this woman was? Would someone please remind the Jog exactly what it was about her that was so wonderful?

Yahoo Mail gets a new look today.

The once wonderful now dreadfully predictable Burning Man Festival begins tomorrow.

Three cheers for Warner Robbins, GA.- Winner of The Little League World Series!

Did you catch the Miss Teen USA pageant on Friday? No? Well don't worry- here's the winner... and here's some video of possibly the dumbest contestant in the history of bimbo beauty pageants: Miss South Carolina Answers Question

And finally:
The latest dispatch from Britney's last days on earth.

There's plenty more news.
but no more News Jog.
We're done.